Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Let The Games Begin: Bears vs. Packers

By The Thrillionaire
NFL PRO ZACH Staff Writer
Thanks a lot NFL for driving me to drink on a weeknight.  And I’ll be drinking, not out of fear or shame, or even to give myself the courage to actually speak to a woman.  No, it’s because they’re putting the game of the century on a network my cable company won’t allow me to watch.  Therefore I have to go to a bar, and I don’t want to be rude. 
Yes that’s right, game of the century.  I’m predicting this game to shift the axis of Earth itself.  I’m no mathmagician but I’m fairly certain that if the Packers start the season with an 0-2 record they are in fact, mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.  To go from 15-1 to missing the playoffs would completely destroy the team from the inside out.  And thereby cause a shift in the tectonic plates surrounding Green Bay, causing it to break off from the rest of the continent, and float off into the atmosphere.  This is simply a scientific fact.  So while all the pressure of geography and astronomy on the Packers shoulders, the Bears simply come into the matchup with absolutely nothing to lose. Except, of course, the game itself.
However I can’t seem to imagine a scenario that involves a Bears loss Thursday night.  Jay Cutler feels like a kid on Christmas morning.  He’s just opened up his brand new toys (Marshall and Jeffries) and is dying to play with them, but his parents are forcing him to eat breakfast first.  So the short week only benefits the Bears.  Meanwhile the Packers showed in their first effort, that their Christmas morning, was filled with dirty socks full of coal.  As they showed a lack of any sort of ability to play defense whatsoever against a historically anemic San Francisco offense.  In the end the Packers have far too many problems to fix before Thursday’s kickoff. 
Therefore I’m inviting Randall Cobb and Aaron Rodgers to forgo any feeble attempt at winning the game and join me for the inevitable drink we’ll all be having instead. 
Final score prediction… 
Bears 215 
Packers 11

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