Let The Games Begin: Bears vs. Packers

By The Thrillionaire

NFL PRO ZACH Staff Writer

Thanks a lot NFL for driving me to drink on a weeknight.  And I’ll be drinking, not out of fear or shame, or even to give myself the courage to actually speak to a woman.  No, it’s because they’re putting the game of the century on a network my cable company won’t allow me to watch.  Therefore I have to go to a bar, and I don’t want to be rude. 

Yes that’s right, game of the century.  I’m predicting this game to shift the axis of Earth itself.  I’m no mathmagician but I’m fairly certain that if the Packers start the season with an 0-2 record they are in fact, mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.  To go from 15-1 to missing the playoffs would completely destroy the team from the inside out.  And thereby cause a shift in the tectonic plates surrounding Green Bay, causing it to break off from the rest of the continent, and float off into the atmosphere.  This is simply a scientific fact.  So while all the pressure of geography and astronomy on the Packers shoulders, the Bears simply come into the matchup with absolutely nothing to lose. Except, of course, the game itself.

However I can’t seem to imagine a scenario that involves a Bears loss Thursday night.  Jay Cutler feels like a kid on Christmas morning.  He’s just opened up his brand new toys (Marshall and Jeffries) and is dying to play with them, but his parents are forcing him to eat breakfast first.  So the short week only benefits the Bears.  Meanwhile the Packers showed in their first effort, that their Christmas morning, was filled with dirty socks full of coal.  As they showed a lack of any sort of ability to play defense whatsoever against a historically anemic San Francisco offense.  In the end the Packers have far too many problems to fix before Thursday’s kickoff. 

Therefore I’m inviting Randall Cobb and Aaron Rodgers to forgo any feeble attempt at winning the game and join me for the inevitable drink we’ll all be having instead. 

Final score prediction… 

Bears 215 

Packers 11

Chicago Bears First Round: Thrillionaire Speaks

Imagine you’re six years old, it’s Christmas morning, and under the tree lays a bevy of finely wrapped gifts. But every box is filled with socks. 

 After San Diego took Melvin Ingram, visions of sugar-plums began dancing in my head. DeCastro, Reiff, Konz, Jones… all of these gifts were somehow still available, and the bears passed, for socks.

This particular pair of argyles is Shea McClellin, a pseudo-speedy tweener (DE/LB) from Boise State. To his credit, he’s a fine player, but one that fits well into a defensive system that Chicago doesn’t run.

Word on the street is the Bears main reason for taking him, was to make sure Green Bay didn’t get him. That’s like if you hate going to the dentist, you decide that you’ll enact some sort of revenge by shitting your pants in his office. Sure you’ll stink up the place, and make the dentist a little uncomfortable, but you’re still stuck in his chair with shit-filled pants.

Look I hope I’m wrong. I hope the Pride of Western Idaho comes in and is next coming of Clay Matthews Jr. I’m just saying that right now, I’d rather have used the first round pick on a guaranteed every down starter and possible all-world thumb protector at guard (DeCastro).   

Thrillionaire's 2012 NFL Mock Draft 2.0

1. Indianapolis Colts - Andrew Luck

Someone said he was good a couple of years ago.

2. Washington Redskins - RG3

DC looks to snag their best QB1 since Doug Williams.

3. Minnesota- Matt Kahlil

He is the second best player in this draft. Sorry Andrew Luck.

4. Cleveland- Trent Richardson

Bye bye Peyton… Hillis…. Oh and hello Trent Richardson. We hope you enjoy it here in Cleveland, you’re gonna be an amazing NFL player. So we’re gonna hate to see you go 3 years from now.

5. Tampa bay- Morris Claiborne

They love defense in Tampa Bay, almost as much as they love early bird specials.

6. St. Louis – Justin Blackmon

“Ahahahahahahahahaha” says Stan Kroenke when they draft exactly who they really wanted to anyway.

7. Jacksonville- Rielly Rieff

Nothing more fun than drafting offensive linemen right Jag fans? I mean someone’s gotta block for Tebow right? Oh wait.

8. Miami – Quinton Coples

The Dolphins need help at tackle, defensive end, and ticket sales. Coples will help the dolphins not just rush the QB but also defend the run… and if he can do that the wins will sell tickets.

9. Carolina – Michael Floyd

Newton’s law: What I throw up in the air has a good chance of coming down to someone taller than Steve Smith.

10. Buffalo – Devon Still

Buffalo needs help with their pass rush, and even though Still’s a tackle he’s like huge dude lightning.

11. Seattle – Whitney Mercilus

Dude had 9 forced fumbles last year… 9.

12. Kansas City – Jonathan Martin

Um hello my name is Jonathan, I protected Andrew Luck, so yeah I’m a pretty big deal.

13. Arizona – David DeCastro

The Cards will take the best offensive lineman available; they need massive help at guard and tackle.

14. Dallas – Dre Kirkpatrick

Dre… more like DROY… Callin’ it now…. defensive rookie of the year.

15. Philadelphia – Luke Kuechly

If the dream team can land the most decorated inside linebacker in the draft people could get crazy in Philly, you know like smile.

16. NY Jets – Melvin Ingram

Don’t let the name like Melvin fool you, he’s actually quite a monster.

17. Cincinnati – Kendall Wright

The Bengals snatch the best wide out on the board for the Ginga Ninja.

18. San Diego – Courtney Upshaw

If he’s still on the board San Diego will be thrilled to fill their need at LB.

19. Chicago – Mike Adams

Boooooring.

20. Tennessee – Peter Konz

Best center in the draft, how exciting for you Titans fans.

21. Cincinnati – David Wilson

A bit of a reach here, but the Bengals need a running back, and this one can do a standing back flip. Suck on that Jerome Simpson.

22. Cleveland – Stephen Hill

Shortly after this selection you’ll hear Browns fans whining about not taking Blackmon.

23. Detroit – Cordy Glenn

The Loins are interested in linemen and this one has the most exciting Wikipedia page ever. I can’t wait to read what the seventh sentence will be.

24. Pittsburg – Dontari Poe

The Ravens want this dude bad for the puns alone. And that’s reason enough for the Steelers to take him.

25. Denver – Fletcher Cox

I doubt Fletcher will fall this far, but if he does Peyton Manning will draft him, as Denver needs some help at DT.

26. Houston – Michael Brockers

Officially in need of defensive line help now that Mario’s jumped ship, they’ll take the best d-lineman available.

27. New England – Stephon Gilmore

Although they have a great urge to take some white guy no one’s ever heard of here, they take arguably the second best corner in the draft.

28. Green Bay – Andre Branch

I hope the Packers take that dude the Patriots were thinking about, however they get better at linebacker by taking Branch here.

29. Baltimore – Mark Barron

Hey kid you don’t mind learning a thing or three from Ed Reed do ya? In the mean time you can play free safety right?

30. San Fran – Coby Fleener

Awwww reunions.

31. New England – Kendall Reyes

He played tackle and end in college, and wasn’t really on the radar until he blew up at the senior bowl. So he’s exactly what Belichick wants.

32. New York Giants - Dont’a Hightower

What do you get the kids that have everything? An inside linebacker.

Brandon Marshall - Chicago Bear

Hat’s off to Phil Emery.

Going out and getting Jay Cutler’s right hand man? Genius work. For
two 3rd round draft picks, oh and what’s that, we had an extra one
anyway?  Genius Phil, pure genius.

My plebian mind was thinking let’s get aggressive, and go out and get Vincent Jackson.  We have the cap room to snag him right? Especially, if he’s only asking for Ochocinco money. And if that’s what it takes, so be it.  However my hopes were dashed, as Tampa Bay took that a little too literally when they issued him his $55,555,555 contract. Now I’m thinking all the big name WR free agents will surely stay put,
and we’ll be scrambling to make mid-level talent wide outs sound like they could one day be the #1 receiver Cutler so desperately deserves.

Then Phil flies into the danger zone, and snags top-gun Brandon
Marshall.  I can’t help but get bothered by all this media coverage on
how this may not have been as great a move as I think, because
Marshall has a bevy of personal issues.  Look guys, I’m willing to
welcome Brandon Marshall to Chicago with open arms, even if he and his
wife have a lot of baggage.  I don’t care if his wife accidentally
ordered bottle service to her face, and Marshall did in fact go all
empire on some lady when he struck back (allegedly). He’s too good to
worry about it, just look at the history.

Brandon Marshall

 06-07: Allegedly Marshall has a domestic dispute involving his
ex-girlfriend, was nearly run over by his father in a parking lot, and
is accused of fraud when he creates a birth certificate for his Kenyan
friend Barack… 102 receptions, 1325 yards receiving, 7 touchdowns.
 07-08: Allegedly Marshall punches his ex-girlfriend (on several
different occasions), steals her purse, throws a rock at her car, and
forces her to eat dolphin un-safe tuna.  He also was charged with a
DUI after driving the wrong way on a one way street after a game… 104
receptions, 1,265 yards, 6 touchdowns.

08-09: Allegedly Marshall has three different incident reports filed
within three consecutive days all involving his ex-girlfriend.  One
notably involving him punching a moving train off of its tracks into
her Range Rover.  Additionally, the Denver Broncos claim Marshall
insisted they find a roster spot for his pet camel, and that he sold
his condo to live on a train.  Later in the season he only spoke to
the media in Kerouac quotes, and hired Bill Nye the Science guy as his
personal assistant.  Marshall, after all this, is suspended for one
game for violating the league’s personal conduct policy… 15 games, 101
receptions, 1,120 yards, 10 touchdowns.

Phil Emery

Keep in mind that all this goes down during his time spent in Denver.
But have no fear bear fans,  Jay Cutler has said recently that going
forward it will be his “sole mission” to keep Marshall out of
nightclubs after 4am this season.  And if I’m going to trust anything
from this story its Jay Cutler’s track record as an accountability
partner.

The bottom line is that, with Marshall, off-field problems equal
on-field solutions. And personally, I am totally fine with that.

Thrillionaire NFL Mock Draft 1.0 Picks 1-16

1. Indianapolis Colts - Andrew Luck
As if there was a question.

2. St. Louis Rams - Matt Kalil
Hands down the 2nd best commodity in this year’s draft will go to the
Rams here (if the pick isn’t traded so someone can get their hands on
RG3).

3. Minnesota - Morris Claiborne
He may not be the Honey Badger but he’s the best in this class.

4. Cleveland - Robert Griffin III
He just moved his pro day, just in case people wanted to waste theiR
time watching Andrew Luck’s.

5. Tampa Bay - Trent Richardson
Dude’s a freak, and an absolute steal for Tampa Bay here… he accounted
for 36.7% of Alabama’s offense last year, and will account for 40+%
for the Buccs in 3 years.

6. Washington – Justin Blackmon
One of two receivers ever to win the Biletnikoff more than once. Now
gets to really test his mettle, when trying to catch hot garbage from
Rex Grossman.

7. Jacksonville - Rielly Rieff
Nothing more fun than drafting offensive linemen right Jag fans?  Look
for the Jags to dump out cash for a WR in Free Agency

8. Miami – Quinton Coples
The Dolphins need help at tackle, defensive end, and ticket sales.
Coples will help the dolphins not just rush the qb but also defend the
run… and if he can do that the wins will sell tickets… that or trading
for Tebow.

9. Carolina – Michael Floyd
Newton’s law: what I throw up in the air has a good chance of coming
down to someone taller than Steve Smith.

10. Buffalo – Devon Still
Buffalo needs help with their pass rush, and even though Still’s a
tackle, he’s like huge dude lightning.

11. Seattle – Whitney Mercilus
Caused 9 forced fumbles last year… 9.

12. Kansas City – Jonathan Martin
Um hello my name is Jonathan, I protected Andrew Luck, so yeah I’m a
pretty big deal.

13. Arizona – David DeCastro
The Cards will take the best offensive lineman available, they need
massive help at guard and tackle and guard and tackle.

14. Dallas – Dre Kirkpatrick
Cowboys hit the jackpot and may get lucky enough to select my pick for
defensive rookie of the year.

15. Philadelphia – Luke Kuechly
If the dream team can land the most decorated inside linebacker in the
draft fans could get crazy in Philly, you know like smile.

16. NY Jets – Melvin Ingram
Don’t let the name like Melvin fool you, he’s actually quite a monster.  

The Thrillionaire: Chicago Bears Offensive Line Analysis

It’s no secret that the Bear’s biggest flaw is their offensive line’s
lack of ability. Sure it could be said that Chicago was able to make
changes, and improve their play during the course of the season.
However I’m not sure that the line did improve, rather it was Cutler’s
game management that masked the poor play.

During the first five games of the season the Bears offensive line allowed 18 sacks. Then in the fifth game of the season Cutler had enough and famously cussed out Martz, and abandoned his play 

call. Over the next 4 games Chicago
changed up the offensive philosophy, and passing game plan closely
resembled roshambo (1,2,3 shoot) thereby allowing Cutler to get rid of
the football before the immanent pressure was allowed 

to reach him. A

philosophy that only allowed 4 sacks over 4 games. Then, Cutler broke
his thumb and in comes Caleb Hanie. Martz reverts back to the 5-7
step drops that plagued our stagnant offense, and over the last 7
games the Bears allowed over 25more sacks (7 in a game… twice).
In last year’s shortened offseason, the Bears wanted to address their
offensive line issues. So they got rid of Greg Olsen (our best
receiver) to find a more blocking friendly tight end, let go of
captain Olin Kruetz, and drafted a tackle Gabe Carimi with their first
round draft pick. The end result was the offensive line looked like
Madonna’s vaginal rejuvenation surgery. Sure you made some
improvements visually, but the main problem’s still stand. The 4
sacks over 4 games stat prior to Cutler’s thumb injury looks like a
pretty young flower, however at the core you’re stuck with a cobwebbed
chalkboard at the bottom of an abandoned coalmine. The free agency
market for offensive linemen is bare my friends, and we’re putting our
offensive faith, in a man who’s partially responsible for our
shortcomings.

Tice, formerly the offensive line coach, is now our offensive
coordinator (a job he has never had before). But I’m going to look on
the bright side. The secret to any offense’s success: continuity.
Most upper echelon NFL teams will be heading into the 2012-2013 season
having had the same offensive coordinator for 3 or more years. Jay
Cutler is about to have his fourth new offensive coordinator in 5
years with the bears. At least Jay (most likely) won’t have to spend
another offseason learning new terminology. Additionally, Tice like
Cutler, is not a proponent of the 5-7 step drop, and is a fan of the
max protect passing offense. So I look for improvement this year
offensively, mainly due to a gameplan that should be built around the
skillset of a healthy Cutler. Essentially it’ll be more in spite of
the coaching changes than because of.

Next: Stayed tuned for my Round 1 NFL MOCK DRAFT 1.0!

Week End's Commentary - 2/12/2012

By BrainHeat

Topic 1 – LinSanity Poses Questions

The Knicks were on life support. Melo and Stat weren't meshing, D'Antoni was counting the days and James Dolan was rethinking his contract with Time Warner Cable. Then came Jeremy Lin. The Asian born Harvard Grad that couldn't get arrested, even in China Town. If you are a fan of the Knicks and the NBA in general, it makes you wonder how many players never get a chance. That's a loaded question isn't it! The D-League, Europe, China, Russia. How many players slip through the cracks? What if every coach in the NBA had a directive from the commissioner that the starting 5 sits for a few games and the bench gets a chance? What would happen? If a bench warmer had the opportunity to shoot 25 shots for that stretch, could he be the next Jeremy Lin? Lebron, Wade and other NBA A-listers are given the opportunity to shoot to there hearts content. We can go on all day about this, but it leads to this question...How many teams have a Jeremy Lin and don't know it?

Topic 2 – The NFL Draft & Combine

We are close to the NFL Combine. The NFL Combine is an audition of sorts for players to show there abilities to NFL scouts. The Jets picked Vernon Gholston with the #6 pick in the draft mainly because of his strong showing at the combine. Do you know where I'm going with this? I am waiting on a book, (One may be out already), on how many teams have been duked at the combine. How did Ryan Leaf do there? Harrington? How many players make NFL rosters that were not drafted? I need a stat guy who can help me with this! Are you out there?

Lastly...

To the new bloggers who have joined the 

NFL PRO ZACH team. 

Thrillionaire & The Big Ragu; 

Blog - O - Licious!